Damaged Goods

Class Action Product Liability Suit Filed Against The Creator Of Man
Suit filed against God
“Shoddy workmanship in every single model” cited

Fucked up citizens and their attorneys have filed suit in Federal Court alleging that God, in His capacity as Supreme Creator, giver of Life Most High, did willfully saturate global markets with products He knew were dangerously flawed .

Stunned citizenry reacted swiftly. “Jesus Christ!” said Jesus (the Christ) of Nazareth, Jerusalem, one of the plaintiffs who initially approached the law firm of Ganos, Opply. “I’m trying to do my job, bring the truth and share the Good News, and God’s creations, Ok, God’s, string me up—-then stab me in the side to see if I’m dead. Who does that? What kind of software accounts for that? I swear, I couldn’t move that boulder fast enough to get out of there!” Plaintiffs seek punitive damages in excess of 800 bazillion dollars with redress to be shared equally among the entire human race.

Sources close to the Creator confirm that it was indeed His signature on the order “Be fruitful and multiply”, a direct consequence of which was the creation of fuckups Nero of Rome, Idi Amin formerly of Uganda, and John Glosternell of Eastpointe, Michigan.

Attorney Phillip Loquell, a noted asshole and lead counsel for the plaintiffs, confirmed for reporters that he, himself, was a prick. “I’m one of the most unpleasant and egomaniacal attorneys pretty much in the Iowa State Bar, graduated top of my class while holding down two jobs, and I wake up most mornings trying to wish my family away.” Loquell visibly swallowed before smoothing his thinning hair, a habit increased in frequency since his fifty-first birthday. “How sick is that, right? My second wife’s only seven years older than my son. Seriously, how the hell does that happen?”

Counsel for the defendant insists that the ways of God cannot be fathomed by Man and that this is all a big misunderstanding.

“Nowhere is it stated or implied that Our Father is obligated to maintain each and every unit He produces, and, if you’ll notice, each unit arrives to factory specs,” said Edric Jerome Prew, founder and senior partner, Spratt, Prew & Fine. “What people do with their units is no one’s fault but their own.”

“We would expect counsel for such an egregious deity to resort to something as duplicitous as invoking Free Will defense,” said Loquell. “Show me one human being on this planet who is not damaged, just one, and we’ll drop this suit.” Added Loquell: “Bunch of fuckups.”

Statements leaked from several depositions paint a damning picture of Our Celestial Shepherd. “All I know is that if God had performed a little due diligence in the design and manufacture of His products maybe, maybe…” said Hilary Bailor during her deposition as expert witness for the plaintiffs, trailing into silence, thoughts of the man waiting for her at home—Mr. Todd Bailor, not a complete ass but you know, not, well… just not.
The earth’s sapient citizenry assert that after billions of years you’d think God would have given up on being mysterious and unknowable and instead show a little more pride in His workmanship. Even Jeremy Elliott, a lineman at Chrysler’s Mack Avenue plant in Detroit, Michigan currently shaking his head in disgust while hoping to God the next round of random drug tests skipped him, knows that if he skimped like that on quality control he’d be fired and divorced before the ink dried on his pink slip. “Sickness and health, richer or poorer my ass,” confirmed Elliott.

All attempts at mediation having failed, counsel for the plaintiffs agree that while this lawsuit is necessary, no outcome will be truly satisfactory. “Nobody’s saying God is bad,” said Loquell. “Look at Carla Gugino, for Christ’s sake! You don’t get that from somebody who doesn’t care, but there has to be accountability. There has to be accountability.”

The Supreme Creator’s staff said Jehovah Most High could not be reached for comment, citing technical difficulties with Heaven’s communications apparatus.

“Typical,” said most of North America. “Probably outsourced everything to damn overseas.”

“’Technical difficulties’ my ass,” agreed Elliott around a mouthful of weed smoke filling the interior of his car directly after the end of his shift. Pausing to wonder whether or not to answer his wife’s call on the damned insistent cell phone, he muttered, “Can’t be reached for comment. How fucking predictable is that?”

As of press time all of humanity had grand ideas on how their expected settlement awards would make them happy and free, although everyone just kind of looked at everyone when asked what specific plans they had.