i WISH i was in dixie...

War On Racism starts today: The Lohan-Diggs Initiative. Find somebody of a different hue you’d love to see naked (or, if you feel ready for universal love, shag till your spinal column snaps), then keep that image in mind as you encounter said hue(s) in real life. Note: those of you who are virulent racists may keep photos in your pockets for review.

Since racism tends to be fueled by self-hatred I’d like to take a moment to tell the Deep South: It’s OK. We know you actually love us. Everybody loves black folks. We remind you of Snickers Bars, what’s not to love? We know you know slavery was not cool. Not cool at all. Short sighted planning on the management’s part, we get that, we’ve all been there. I’d grease up my big, black Mandingo chest and hug every one of ya if I could. Let go the guilt, let go the ancestral shame. Cast aside that reactionary Safety Mechanism O’ Doom and join us.

Take my hand, Deep South. Let me take you to Love Land. Clarence, and I’m a Scorpio…

Let me float this by you: after a while you won’t be able to breed any more pig-eyed, sphincter-tight progeny willing to carry your psychosis forward. Gotta be blunt here, brothers: you’re obsolete. Even Racism 2.O is an obviously detectable virus; hell, even Norton Anti-Virus blocks it, and we know Norton ain’t for shit. Your numbers are dwindling. Your kids are learning Spanglish. Your oldest son’s got a black girlfriend. So’s your oldest daughter, and when she and Vanessa get married they plan to adopt an Asian child (still hot on the market). So I ask, what does it profit you to sell “2012: Don’t Re-Nig” bumper stickers (kudos on the wordplay, by the way), or introduce legislation that you know will disproportionately target the poor and historically disenfranchised without offering viable alternatives?

Nobody, not even Sarah Palin, is stupid because they want to be. Not deep down. But human beings are Cling-Ons, holding to whatever scrap bumps against them when they feel they’re floating in perilous waters. When they feel threatened. But you’re holding onto a false assumption. We’re not after your jobs (yeah we are), your women (yeah we are), or the America you want to take back (Kraft Mac-n-Cheese uses Rap in their jingles; you’ve already lost, son)— these things are not yours to own in the first place. This ain’t a game of marbles where you can just gather yours up and go home. We earn the jobs same as you. “Your” women are not possessions to direct (that’s a big one to get through your heads, so we’ll wait). When you’re a kid and you know you’ve done wrong you do one of two things: Blame somebody else, or punch your little brother. Ever since 1863 a segment of this nation’s been blaming the blacks, the browns, the reds, the yellows, and the effete Northern sympathizers for absolutely nothing. Oh, they’re blaming them…but have no idea for precisely what. Shame, brothers, makes the mind foolish. Keeps you stupid and unpopular. The Lohan-Diggs Initiative will grow you up fast if you let it.

We’re not kids anymore. If someone wants to indoctrinate you in stupidity, shake it off. That’s what growing up means. “When I was a child I behaved as a child. When I became a man I cast off childish things.”

Grow the hell up, my peoples. The Lohan-Diggs Initiative ain’t PG-13.