...there is none. Tie a lemming to a copy of People, line the stupid people up, and let that sucker go. Stupidity is not a religion; it is not a way of life. Let it go. Ignorance seeks out. Stupidity stands pat. Big difference.
10 Ways to Tell If You Might Be Stupid:
If you get your “news” from Fox and/or CNN... you might be stupid.
If you actually care about what Sarah Palin has to say... you might be stupid.
If you fall for fake folksiness atop a pair of nice gams and don’t realize you’re being ridden like a real pony... you might be stupid.
If somebody tells you you might be stupid and you turn red and apoplectic in the face and reach for your Constitutionally-protected gun... you just might be stupid.
If you think angry white folks are a true minority... you are fucking stupid.
If you haven’t ever laughed at yourself and realized you were completely ass-fucking wrong about something and then turned that opinion all the way around and realized the government is actually not a separate Plan-9-From-Outer-Space entity from you... you might be stupid.
If you think that people who are against stupid people are ass-fucking wrong…up yours, you poor, poor stupid bastard.
If you think I’m stupid…you could be right. But let me ask you this: does Octo-Mom really have a chance at fame, or did Jon & Kate Plus Eight kill that?
If you think informed discourse is listening to dicks baying on TV or radio, then having Joe Anonymous Dick call in either to loudly agree or loudly argue... and you’re dialing your cell phone right now... you, sweet, gentle soul, might just be a leedle bit stupid. Just a bit. Here, let me wipe that soup, you got a little dribble...
If “taxes” or “socialism” throw you into a fit yet you think nobody should get anything for free and you’ve got this rock hard thought lodged securely in your head that identifies you as a _______... sister, have I got a Tea Party for you.
If you think Phil Donahue is in any way related to Maury Povich... I will club you like a seal. That was eleven. It was a freebie.
I appealed earlier for an end to celebrated Dickishness. Can we add stupidity to the mix? Can stupid people be ignored? I know there’s a growing revolution of the stupid, I know the lowest common denominator is in negative numbers, I know that stupid is as stupid does. Stupid people are getting mad for being stupid. Then, dammit, slow down and educate yourselves! Make the leap from stupid to ignorant, and from ignorant to worth somebody's time. Thing is, stupid does all the time now and in disturbing numbers. Stupid is lucrative, so we get Fox, CNN, morning shows, judge shows, reality TV, CSI: Miami, Chris Columbus movies, mommy blogger TV shows, TMZ, the possibility of another Die Hard movie, Jennifer Hudson with a valid career, corporations getting first crack at the wives of the commoners, the screenwriting team of Orci and Kurtzman, and anything involving Jennifer Love Hewitt as an actress.
I’m done with dicks except my own, and even that gets less and less attention now (see previous entry, re: fogeyville). I’d like to say I’m done with stupid. The random acts of dumbassed-ness we all go through are fine. Comedian Bill Engvall calls them the “Here’s Your Sign” moments, when we should all get a sign saying we’re stupid after doing or saying something that defies God’s Will in the worst way. Like the news reporter who says of a woman, “She was raped against her will.” Or the wife who asks how you hit your thumb with that hammer when you’ve never had a taste for masochism before. Or the husband who thinks writing piddly blogs and releasing them in the Dante’s Inferno of porn, celebrity and websites using the words “American”, “Liberty” or “For Family blah blah blah” that is the internet means more than half a damn to a dead guppy.
Here’s your sign.
And one for you, too, Sarah, plain and tall.