Word on the street is that a roasted chestnut is actually a bitter, gross thing, so here's a repeat of last year's extremely helpful guide to the bountiful holidays of this most wonderful time of the year! As old ladies, entitled suburbanites and ignorant doofs of all bents berate sales clerks it's important to keep in mind that if the holiday you're feverishly shopping for begins to get a little inconvenient, there are plenty more where that one came from. Your calendar of Holiday Joy awaits!
12-6 - St. Nicholas Day (International) –for those who really, truly need to grow up. Everybody knows there’s no such thing as a saint. Why, I hear even that Obama sometimes kinda has...sex (make sure nobody heard that, OK?)
12-8 - Bodhi Day - Buddha's Enlightenment (Buddhist) –because ain’t no party like an enlightenment party, ‘cause enlightenment party don’t stop
12-12 - Hanukkah (Jewish) –the first and best "#$@@-ing pain-in-the-ass season we have to drop everything for and pretend like it's, WooHoo!, the most important thing in the world when, really, do I really wanna be bothered" traditional commercial gathering
12-12 - Virgin of Guadalupe (Mexico) –blessed Madonna (not the icky old one) sought by Spring Break frat boys everywhere
12-13 - Santa Lucia Day (Sweden) –Lucille Ball, for all the sweater wearing early morning mall walkers pining for the days when women were wacky, and men were acceptably ethnic (but just for that one time since Ricky was so comically darling)
12-16 - Ashura (Islamic, Muslim) –No freaking idea (from the Wikipedia entry); really, what the hell?
12-16 thru 25 - Las Posadas (Mexico) –Frat boys: this does not translate to anything remotely sexual; and sorry about the virgin thing too
12-18 - Al Hijra - Muslim New Year –and nemesis to Gojira (that's Godzilla to you)
12-21, 22 -- "Yule/Winter solstice. Get drunk on ale, mead and cider, party like it's 999BC, and keep the hearth fires burning 'til dawn to coax the bright orb in the sky to come back again, pleeeeease." (courtesy the most excellent Lady de Winter) (And for grogg's sake, know when to throw a flagon across the room and stumble to a corner for seriously glorious rough and tumble snugglebunnies; tis the season for giving, dammit)
12-25 - Christmas (Christian, Roman Catholic, International) –us. Period. Deal with it. Suck on it. Feel the love
12-26 - Boxing Day (Canada, United Kingdom) –the one day Mike Tyson truly opens himself for an honest, deeply reciprocal relationship...or still a huge wtf?
12-26 - Kwanzaa (African-American - Dec. 26, 2009 - Jan 1, 2010) –see again: Wikipedia
Then there’s the “New Year”, which falls on 12 million different dates. Still waiting for Americans (and lesser Americans, like other countries and stuff) to pass a world amendment that January 1st now and forever marks it so we can all get our New Year's Eve party on at one single time. Can you imagine everybody in the world partying on December 31st? New Year's falls at midnight, dammit. If it's 2:17pm where you are, deal with it. Imagine the precious, introspective worldwide rush to get laid.
World peace through orgasms. I have a dream...
In the spirit of all that is good, let us be gracious enough to warrant receiving. And Happy Christmas, John Lennon, wherever you are. God bless us. But not too much. Nobody wants to become fat, indolent or arrogant, right?
Nobody wants that.