Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Random Zombie Bits for A Tuesday Afternoon

Zombies would have to learn to be fast eaters.

Would Rush Limbaugh make a Zombie lose its appetite?

Zombies clearly have brain activity, and since they've got a jones for brains, shouldn't they be eating each other's heads? A lot easier pickings than going after fast, dangerous prey like the "living."

Would there be groups saying "Pray the zombie away"? I think not. That'd be ridiculous.

Slip a zombie inside the congressional chamber during a full session then lock the doors. It's better that way.

Attach a canister of neurotoxin to a Roomba and let that sucker go. It'd be like febreezing the Zombie Apocalypse away. Everybody chill indoors with gas masks and Morrissey records till over. Go out, clean up, yay humanity.

Zombie sharks would be way cool. Search your feelings, you know this to be true.

Eventually a zombie is going to want to start dating again. Tragi-comic romance up the wazoo.

It's pretty easy for me to evade a stumbling three year old, so no problem navigating a Zombie Apocalypse, unless the suckers take Pilates to keep themselves active and limber.

Vegan zombies. Can't be easy. Discuss.

Fuzzy woolen sweaters and bike helmets. Nobody likes wool in their mouth. Crisis fashionably averted.

Roland Emmerich's next movie while still waiting for Will Smith to bring the Manna: Aliens infect humanity with the zombie virus. A beautiful CDC worker (played by Channing Tatum) realizes the extraterrestrial nature of the attack and traces the virus' genome structure ("Don't you see? This virus' chemical structure weighs less here than it should. Almost as if it were fabricated...on the moon!") to there, setting off a desperate race to get the space program re-funded so a shuttle can get to the moon before the next full phase and destroy the aliens' zombie virus factory. Little did Channing know that falling in love with the shuttle's gruff, washed up commander who's the only person who could possibly pull off this mission (played by the Rock) would make saving the earth the most difficult decision of his life: the Rock is half-alien, half-human! Also starring Djimon Hounsou as Sacre Feshul, the brilliant African scientist who would do anything to see his former student Channing reach the end of his epic destiny.

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