Wednesday, February 15, 2012

How To Be A Tween-Aged Girl?

Dear Diary: Ok, so, like, this entry is completely and totally about WTF, right? So, like, there’s this singer, right, named Chris Brown who totally apes Michael Jackson if MJ didn’t have any talent, and he is, like, so full of himself, and I’m like, Why, really, but he was with this other girl singer (who sang about umbrellas! Hello, mini wtf) who he decided to punch around a bit, then he was like, “No I didn’t,” then he was like, “Screw everybody,” then he was like, “I’m SO sorry,” then he was like, “Buy my new album,” so, like, at the Grammys (why name an award after grandmothers, really!) somebody thought it’d be a good idea to have him perform and have her perform, but not together ‘cause lesbians would be all “Oh hell no,” but still though that’s kind of nasty, especially after Whitney Houston died and she’d been with that complete fuck of a husband, and you’d think the Grammy bosses would have been able to connect the eww dots and back off or something, right, but no, so they do it and Chris Brown is all “Yeah, look at me, look at me” and Rihanna is all hump-the-floor since she can’t sing for shit, so she’s all “Humping the floor I am empowered,” and then a bunch of girls start tweeting that Chris Brown could beat them up anytime, but it’s, like, a double intender ‘cause “beat it up” means have sex too, like, you know, “I’ma hit that,” except stupider and from guys pretending they know how to do it, and the girls are all ha ha, we don’t care, sarcasm and shit, but it’s not, so the media goes all, “But what about the children?” and girls are still like woot woot and guys who don’t know how to do it are like, hell yeah Chris Brown, you are our god, but I’d probably get put in jail or have to go on Dr. Phil if I ever kneed a guy in the balls for saying he was going to beat me with his double intender, right, as if that’s fair, right, so, like, WTF?

But finally I just turned off the TV and read. I did NOT know that Bella got pregnant since the movies are such ass and I refuse to see them. I mean, he’s a vampire; shouldn’t his thing be full of dust? But Bella’s all like “I love you, but I love you” and E & J are like, “Shit, make a damn decision” and she’s all “I don’t need either of you. Yes I do,” and part of me was saying, “Screw this, write in the diary”... so I thought long and hard about, like, what I’m expected as a woman to think and feel, right, like in 5 years when I’m in a deep relationship letting a man know his boundaries and making sure he’s not a prick, and all these Oprah level emotions just jumped me and I’m all WTF, this is weird, so I figured if I wrote it down it’d make sense somehow. But it doesn’t.

Plus Chris Brown is stiff when he dances. I mean, what a douche. No way in hell my deep relationship man is gonna be a douche. I mean, I’ve got SOME standards. So thanks for being my diary. Good night.


  1. *dies*
    I... wow. I have no words.

    *adds more candles to your shrine*

  2. It's a cliche to say "I'm not worthy" but I'm nothing if not cliched. Huge smiles of gratitude for you, no charge.