Friday, February 17, 2012

Aluminum Foil Might Be Your Best Friend

'What's on your mind?' Facebook asks. I'll tell ya. Stupid people. What are we gonna do with all the stupid people? Let's not pretend there aren't stupid people. They're the ones asking all the stupid questions. Nobody point a finger here please. People are finding it harder and harder to generate enough mental electricity to fire their brains. How many times have you seen somebody flat out run to catch an elevator...only to ride it up one floor? That's just stupid. Or introduce legislation favoring corporations that get fat off poisoning us. There's a lot of stupid. I blame air fresheners. Let me put my foil hat on a minute: every other TV commercial is for air fresheners. Stuff we bring into our houses...and breathe in. Every. Day. I've been an adult for a long enough time to not recall so much emphasis put on home freshness. Did people become extra nasty and funky in the last 10 years? People think scent isn’t a physical thing, but it is. You’re ingesting stuff, folks. Beware.

I think they’re including stuff in those fresheners to make us stupid. Er (since there’s already TV and Nascar). All the scented candles and the sprays and the plug ins. Mark you me, there’s heinous fuckery most foul afoot (if you liked that turn of phrase, it’s a shameless plug for Christopher Moore’s book “Fool”—available in paperback!). Like the pharmaceutical industry, these mega-corps are not spending all that money on advertising for the public good. They’re right now using phase harmonics to cut through my shields but brother’s using heavy duty restaurant aluminum foil. Rotating frequencies all up on your asses, bitchaz! So ask yourself, did it stink that badly in my house before I plugged 8 different scents in 8 different rooms…or are those heinous bastards going to come out in 5 years with “Natural Scents” to counteract all the nose herpes their years of selling us their fake crap brought about?

You say they can’t and wouldn’t do that? The gubmint wouldn’t let them get away with pushing harmful crap down our throats. Ok, you Pall Mall smoking mofo. Put down that brewski and pay close attention. One word. Sugar. I ain’t even gonna go high fructose. Straight up cane. If I told you there was an all natural substance that would decay your teeth, elevate endorphin levels to manic levels, exacerbate depression, make you fat, and attract bees, would you line up and say, “Oh, boy, sign me up!”

Course not. Don’t be stupid.

There’s a lot of talk now about this Monsanto Corp, which already sounds like something James Bond should be taking down, but on top of that they’re grabbing people’s food supplies worldwide by the balls. Bioengineered super sweet fruits and vegetables. I don’t want my orange tasting like Mountain Dew. I don’t want to use my red bell pepper as a night light. I want my food to be food, and I want my deep breaths to contain air.

Never you mind the crinkling of my foil hat. The world blows smoke up your butts, people. Puff puff.


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