Friday, March 8, 2013

Sequester Deez

Obama’s second term feels uncomfortably like his first term. It’s like the déjà vu of that time when your underwear hiked and pinched during a big meeting and you couldn’t reach in and smooth that thing out. Click HERE and see if anything seems familiar to you.

While we wait, Eleven Ways To Generate Money For The U.S. Government:

We can already damn near defend ourselves against Godzilla, Klingons, Daleks, and Zombie Jeebus on a ghost rhino. Cut the defense budget in half. We’ve got this.

The government needs to become producers of some hellacious movie blockbusters. May I suggest at least one butt shot of Idris Elba and one full frontal of Sofia Vergara to seal the deal? CGI Komodo dragons growing 80 feet long. Cinematic gold. Billions worldwide. Many sequels.

All elected officials in the Senate, Congress and White House take 40 % pay cuts (or voluntarily give up their salaries if they’re feeling decent minded).

Barring that, put a Congressperson on every corner and teach them to say, “Got that weed.”

Porn. Look, we know there’s hot glory hole, intern, and filibuster action. Might as well monetize that sumbitch.

Constitutional amendment turning the budget over to 3 working mothers who’ll knock that shit out between lunch and making sure the homework was done correctly.

Two words: Promote peace. Social, economic, environmental, inter and national peace.

No more flag lapel pins unless whoever’s wearing it personally buys it.

Form a righteous band and tour. Certain states would pay good money to see Obama sing “I want you, but I want you to want me too..”

If you are an orange politician either give up tanning sessions or just eat Cheetos, ‘cause we know you’re expensing that shit.

Don’t raise taxes on the filthy rich. Bumrush the show.

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