Sunday, January 18, 2015

The Checklist O’ Diversity

Because it’s not so much fight the power as it is fight the weakness (since the inability to see others as people is not a strength) here is the Fuck-That checklist for creators, beginning thusly:

If the only time you describe a skin color is for the ‘ethnic’ types, fuck that.

If the Black dude dies, fuck that.

If the woman is put in sexual peril because, you know, wimmin, fuck that.

If there’s even a tiny fart’s whiff of “Diversity is so haaaaaaaard, ermagherd!” Everybody: we will, we will... fuck that.

If you use the words “almond eyes” or chocolate anything we will slap the fuck-that into you and out the other side.

If the only time dialect is used is for those colorful, saucy types, Webster fuck-that.

If everybody but the hero/heroine is PoC-marked, you are the dude trying to perform Hindi alphabet cunnilingus. You are trying too hard. Fuck that.

I swear to Gawd that if your Destined White Child gets counseled by Morgan Freeman on something even so tiny as what color shirt to put on, not only should that be fucked with all due haste, it should be followed by Piss Off, Wank of Doom, and Really Bruh.

If for any reason your White character lands in a region where she’s never ever seen a lava Wyrm but after she puts on a pair of the local jeans she’s the best Wyrm rider ever lived in that realm, even if this is clearly G-rated, YA fuck-that.

If your gay male character is there only as comic relief, fuck that.

If your wheelchair-bound character is there only to show how brave she/he is for having the courage not to roll themselves off a cliff, fuck that.

Addendum to the homosexual agenda: If your gay/bi/tri/abacus male characters don’t have sex with dudes but your gay/bi/tri/abacus female characters get to hear that boom-chikka-wow-wow music drowning out their girl conversation, please do fuck that.

May I remind you that if the Black dude dies, fuck not only that but you.

(see answer code below) Is your trans character only there to be:
(a) crazy; (b) edgy; (c) dangerous?
-a- Fuck that. –b- Fuck that. –c- Fuck that.

If your book starts with the White teen having the Luke Skywalker Stare Into The Sunlit Horizon O’ Destiny scene, fuck that plus the droids you’re looking for. We know what’s coming and, as former owners of the Millennium Falcon, we are not amused.

Unless your princess is a guy who has made it very clear that is how he wishes to be addressed, do fuck that as the focus character of all future stories.

If you are “not sure” how to write "People of Color" (yes, I fluggin’ hate that. Message for the world: EVERYBODY HAS A COLOR. White people don’t come born with Romulan cloaking tech lodged up their kumquats rendering them clear and invisible), I will Bernie Mac-slap the Fuck-That into you so you can see how fookin’ ridiculous you sound. Turning someone you see every Thursday in the checkout line at the local Monsanto Mart into “The Other” is just as bad as calling out a racial slur. What do we say to the God of Turning People into “Others”? Fuck that.

Does your PoC-mark die so that Biff Muscles (others too but mainly Biff) can live? And then Biff gets so dude-fired he Does The Thing with 40 ninjas hanging off him with his mighty dick a swingline for Sue to get to safety and Sue’s like, “No! We are not closing the door! He’ll be here!” and Biff gets there but Sue sees in his half-formed dude tear that Bubba (his best good friend) didn’t make it—OK, we’re gonna fuck ALL that and start fresh in the morning.

Seriously. Seriously. If “diversity” means showing how those simpler folks have so much to teach the gods, finger fuck that till it gets frustrated enough to walk away.

If your manuscript is the Irony-board of Diversity whereby, get this, the White guy thinks he’s the hero but it’s actually the ethnic dude, scrap that. Fuck that. “Big Trouble in Little China” already did it better.

And if you EVAH use “The Help” as the title of your book – What’s that you say? Been done? Oh, fook that. *drops mic, throws Godzilla-hornet middle finger, slides into the water to chill*

(If there are any missed tired tropes it’s only because my pressure was starting to go up. Godzilla-hornet.)

Writerss: Do you know how to write characters? OK. All those people you need 12 variations on the word “caramel” for? DO THAT!

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