Saturday, May 14, 2011

The Joys of Freedom

Friday was a little rough. Here's a Happy Saturday post:

Two words for y’all and I’m not going to whisper so you’d better not stand too close.


You may say you sexist, juvenile, horny man and I say I don’t care. Dudes, it’s the weekend. In that finest tradition set by the Haves to the Have Nots we get to get a little buck-wild. And to me nothing says buck-wild quite like unrepentant monkey sex.

Today is the day your lust has made.

This ain’t spiritual like my jones for Pam Grier (always and forever) or Rosario Dawson (each moment with you) or the Wife (yes, the spider is dead). Matter of fact, let me do this:

Da Boom Da Bam The Everlasting Pow

We all have somebody we just want to mash our faces into till we come out the other side. No shame at all. Simply means we’re alive and well. Yes we’re supposed to pretend that sex outside marriage is sinful, that every sperm is sacred (to all my self-gratifying brothers out there shouting “Lo, I am the Destroyer of Worlds!”—chill), and that seeing a smart, bright, successful human being as a sex object brings the kind of shame that can only be imparted by an old lady, but let’s be real. Ladies, look here:

Don’t tell me you didn’t just now open that man’s shirt. Normally we’re supposed to act like we don’t get turned on, not in everyday life. But stars, that’s fair lust since we’ll never attain them. Let me tell you something. I picture more women naked in the course of a day, even women I’ve never seen, than is probably fair or prudent. Sometimes not even entirely naked (takes too much work). I also wonder how cars work, what it looks like in the sewer, and whether God is aware of me. It’s called curiosity, people! Hell, if Sofia or Rosario ever wrote about how my ass cheeks make them think of chocolate mousse, I’d be a changed man. Might start exercising and eating right.

Granted this presupposes that in the mind you can be as sexually adept as you wanna be. In real life your butt cheeks lock up, exertion sweat immediately blinds you in one eye and the longer you try to hold out you come to realize just why Kegel exercises are so important.

But look up there at Sofia and Taye again. This ain't about real life. This is where you exercise the most fantastic muscle you've got, the brain. So fantasize your drawers off. See your neighbor in a whole new way. Regard your boss with what on Monday will appear to be respect and admiration. Let that rampant, hairy sexuality lock you in a room and smile at you with that one tooth showing and the Deliverance banjo playing in the background…then surprise rush it and make it shiver for comfort later. It’s the weekend, dammit, and if we can’t lust after Sofia Vergara or Taye Diggs or our kid's kindergarten teacher we are seriously buggered. Mondays come around really quickly.

Yo! I am the destroyer of worlds.

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