According to nutballs today, Saturday, May 21, 2011 is Rapture Day. Seriously, would Jesus even pick a Saturday to come back? Who’d have time to pay attention between errands? Y’know, to me the worst thing about the Rapture would be being left behind with a bunch of a-holes, kind of like life now.
Dammit, it's already happened.
Since I'm a bit of a heathen there's no reason I shouldn't drop a couple quick Top Ten lists before I go out to pursue all the loose women suddenly without Republican backing.
TOP TEN THINGS I WISH ALL PEOPLE WOULD DO, but especially those black folks to whom this applies because, yes, you do make us look bad:
1) Stop letting your loud kids stay out till 1 in the morning.
2) Wear your clothing as though you're more mature than the average 3 year old.
3) If you're not at the beach, wear a freaking shirt.
4) There is a vast range of cute, adorable pets to choose from. A pit bull isn't one of them.
5) Read. It's not the white man's tonic. 'Sexy Ho 7' will never count.
6) If you're going to keep it real, be real. There's a boy I know who loves playing piano but all he shows off is his hood grimace.
7) While you're keeping your loud kids inside when evening falls, how about keeping yourself in too? Nobody really wants to hear all that when they're trying to relax.
8) Stop walking in packs all the time. Hell, you damn well scare me.
9) Stop holding Jennifer Hudson out as some new Aretha. (White folks, I'll get with you in a minute about Jennifer Aniston.)
10) Stop putting less thought and planning into having children than you did trying to get laid in the first place.
TOP TEN THINGS WHITE FOLKS HAD BETTER LOOK INTO before it's too late and Jennifer Aniston winds up with an Oscar nomination:
1) Flirt with a rainbow of fruit flavors. Automatic stress reliever.
2) Leave Jennifer Aniston alone. She'll start thinking there's truth to her--for some vague reason--being some kind of celebrity.
3) The "Master of the Universe" mentality went out with Dolph Lundgren's career. In other words, nobody's impressed and nor do they give a fuck that you have executive hair.
4) Realize that when you roll up banging rap you're getting laughed at for a good quarter mile.
5) If you're gonna fly the Confederate flag at least read up on the Civil War and not rely on a vague memory of an episode of the 'Dukes of Hazzard'.
6) The words "conservative” and “Christian” aren’t imminent domain.
7) Drunken white girls aren’t a benefit to anybody.
8) In 100% of cases lip injections make you look flat out stupid.
9) Leave the pick up trucks alone. You’re not hauling anything and the closest you’ll get to a mountain stream is that one pothole that always fills up when it rains.
10) Reading a book by a black author won’t mark you in any way (even Tyler Perry movies are federally approved).
Thanks for your indulgence, and on June 15th siphon gas from an abandoned vehicle while your grimy mate keeps marauders at bay with a shotgun and head to a flaming internet cafe near you to purchase Minister Faust's 'The Alchemists of Kush' eBook at Amazon.com. If he reaches the Kindle top 100 that day he's putting up $500 of his own moolah toward books for South Sudan. Literacy, power--is there a difference?