Tuesday, August 30, 2011

2011 Fall (of Rome) Television Season

Dear Networks: No more sitcoms based off blogs, tweets or that one commercial you saw. We would rather watch old episodes of Marlon Perkins’ “Wild Kingdom” if you have to show anything at all. We would not mind if showing nothing at all is your decision.

No more sitcoms I’m supposed to watch ‘cause they’re brash, crass and irreverent as opposed to actually being funny.

No more “procedural” shows where the dead body/morgue scene budget exceeds what the key grip and sound guys make in a year.

No more variations on MacGuyver (hello “Royal Pains”) or the A-Team (hello “Leverage”) or the X-Files (hello “Fringe”) or the X-Men (good riddance “Heroes”, hello “Alphas”) or ER (hello “Hawthorne”, “Gray’s Anatomy”, etc.) or the crime procedural du jour (Hello CSI, CSI Miami, CSI New York, NCIS, NCIS LA, Law & Order Infinity, Rizzoli & Isles –threw up in my mouth a little— etc, etc, etc), or dramas featuring insanely attractive white people agonizing the horrid vagaries of suburban life.

No more talk shows where that’s just it: talk. No “The View, The Chat, The Talk, The Buzz, The Rumble, The Dish, The Deal, The Spill, The Come, The Swallow.” For the love of god, please? A bunch of women sitting around gabbing about nothing… is like a bunch of men sitting around talking about sports, and surely you wouldn’t do that to us? What? Oh.

Never mind.

I suppose another venue for David Hasselhoff is equally unavoidable.

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