Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Vader Space

Since WINTER WON’T @#%*#ING GO AWAY it got me thinking about James Earl Jones in a long brunette wig (hotness; see Conan, Thulsa Doom), which lead to Jones’ voice, which led to Star Wars, which led to Darth Vader, which led to this staggering realization:

The only thing cool about Darth Vader was his voice.

It takes remarkably little time to break it down.

Pertinent Traits:

1)      Was a close-talker and finger pointer. Hate that kind of person.
2)      Pissy attitude when faced with a setback.
3)      Total toady to his boss.
4)      Picked on underlings after his superiors picked on him.
5)      Was a dick in board meetings.
6)      Swung on an old man who had clearly lowered his defenses.
7)      Hid behind religion as a cop-out on parental responsibility (“Sith don’t believe in child support. May I offer you some of our literature?”)
8)      Bounced off Death Star walls and was the idiot in the SUV sliding on ice.
9)      Got his Potato Head ass handed to him by the first kid who stood up to him… his son.
10)   Tried to pretend all the evil shit he’d done never happened with that Smiley Shiny Jedi Land schtick. Sith Lord, please!

Based on these alone it’s clear to me that Hayden Panettiere or Christensen or whoever the hell played him -- has been maligned as playing the nascent Vader as a vapid, whiny frat boy, when he actually nailed the character and deserves our apology.

If this winter has taught us nothing else, it’s that we are some sorry mofos. Hoth. Tauntaun 4 life.

Here, warm up.

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